you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
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You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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