Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize