I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
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I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
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He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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