Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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