If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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