i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
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She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
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Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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