Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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