i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
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Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
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I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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