i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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