I puked a lego.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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