He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
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After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
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almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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