I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
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Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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