She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
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HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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