How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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