It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
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I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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