after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
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FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
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He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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