Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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