Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
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I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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