she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
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so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
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She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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