i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
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I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
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If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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