I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
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I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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