Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize