And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
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whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
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My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
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