first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
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Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
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Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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