I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize