Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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