Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
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By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
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sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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