The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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