Life is so much better after having sex.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Did I show you my penis last night?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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