I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Too much gin, very little bucket
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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