sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
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THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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