I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
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I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
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we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
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