this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
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The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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