i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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