he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
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Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
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Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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