I accidentally had phone sex last night
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
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I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
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He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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