I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
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I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
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I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
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