So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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