My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
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Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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