Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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