I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
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I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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