I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
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He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
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The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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