i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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