you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
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And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
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Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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