Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
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Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
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They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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