it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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