literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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