when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
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as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
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I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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