omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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