Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
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Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize